Sunday, January 24, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
The Johnson-Lesch Christmas was once again rife with beautiful quotes, including my mother’s threat to drip wax on me during the candlelit church service and my uncle’s assertion that my baked pear tasted like “a melted candle.”
He was eating said pear dessert because he’s “off sweets,” a restriction that did not prevent him from consuming cheesecake. We collectively decided he should audition for “The Biggest Loser.” It was a proposal that my cousin Taylor met with “But that’s for like really big people,” which was a defense my grandmother met with “Oh Taylor, you’re nice to your father.”
Other great moments included my father’s attempt to pass off “S-T-I-C-H” as the proper spelling of “stitch” during a game of Boggle, our typical communal reading of trashy celebrity magazines (pictured above--and yes, that's grandmother with Star and grandchild with knitting), and my “Who Wore It Best?” showdown with my cousin Brooklyn.
We over-accessorized a bit.
The get-together concluded with a customary “Seinfeld” viewing, during which we subconsciously picked up tips on how to be mean to each other. Let's just say "Serenity now!" was yelled my our mother on more than one occassion.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
- Complain about the prices on the menu to the cashier when the 8 oz. beer in your hand costs more than anything on the menu.
- Verbally attack the cashier when an item on the menu runs out (because there were a million people in front of you in line who wanted just what you wanted) as if it was his or her fault that he or she can’t make raw meat cook in seconds.
- Ask to have your sandwich cut in half and then proceed to argue with the cashier that the reason he or she CANNOT CUT YOUR SANDWICH--“for health department reasons, we cannot cut your sandwich, but we have knives over in the pull out draws for you to use”-- is rubbish.
- Ask where the barbeque sauce is when it is right in front of you, clearly labeled. Especially after the cashier told you where it is, pointed at it, and described the “big black container” to you while you received your change.
- After failing to listen to the cashier’s condiment and barbecue sauce speech, proceed to put hot sauce on your sandwich and then expect the vendor to give you a new sandwich because you are an idiot and can’t read sauce labels.
- Get to the front of the line and not know what you want.
- Change your mind halfway through your order after your food has been called back to be made and it has already been punched into the register, causing the cashier to have to start all over and the receipts for the boss to be off, making him more cranky than usual.
- Ask for an extra plate. Your food came on a plate; it is not just floating around. Why do you need another? They won’t give you one. Don’t ask.
- Order a lot of food and then expect the cashiers to be responsible for how you will carry all your food.
- Complain your onion rings are cold. A) It is over a hundred degrees outside. B) The onion rings just came out of the fryer. C) Now you have to wait for 2:50 minutes for new ones that you will burn your mouth on.
- Bring up the competitor BBQ stand. No one really cares. Do you honestly believe working for a food vendor for three weeks of the summer is a life long goal for the employees? It is not like they can control the differences and similarities between the two stands. They just are there to take your money and give you food.
- Participate in the talent contest at the neighboring stage and sing Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, or Carrie Underwood, when every other person for the past three days have already decided to do just that.
- Ask where the napkins are when your elbow practically knocked the container off the counter in your effort to make your inquiry heard. The cashier feels pretty stupid telling you they are right in front of you, and you just look plain stupid.
- Be particular about the quantity of ice in your soda. Light ice, no ice, lots of ice, not too much ice…a little more… little less, hold the ice.
- Ask to substitute the side on the combo meals. Even if the workers wanted to replace the potentially more healthy option for the fatty grease filled request, they can’t. The menu is contracted with the fair; it cannot be changed or altered. You can still get your fried curly fries as a side; they just won’t be part of a ‘combo.’
- Order food minutes before the park closes causing the overworked tired employees to re-wash and re-clean.
- Order, pay, and walk away. Your food is not going to grow legs and find you.
- Order, pay, forget what you ordered, and lose your receipt in the thirty seconds it took for your food to come out. But since you don’t know it is your food, it sits, unclaimed, getting cold (by customer opinion, of course, not weather standards).
- Make a mess. Leave a mess. On anything an employee will have to clean and scrub, only because you cannot remain a civilized human being and feel the need to act like an animal or a bratty child. Your pick.